This is passe by now (or so I hope). I’d rather be mulling over the astrophysics behind tonight’s smile in the sky, but I had to get this out of my system.

Twilight. Most people loved it or they hated it. Aika probably gave the most fitting review, it is something our 11-year old selves could’ve enjoyed. But as someone who is a decade past 11, indifference is all I would’ve had for the book had people not told me they LOVED it, encouraged me to read it and gave it the glowing recommendations that lead me to believe this great work of literature would unravel once I open the copy I stole from my sister.

I fell asleep after 18 pages.

The crashing and burning is why I hate the hype and fandom that lead me to this massive disappointment. In retrospect, that book had no chance from the beginning. Twilight could never have lived up to an this Anne Rice fan’s expectations and opinions of what constitutes great or even just worthwhile vampire literature. No chance at all.

Sparkly vampires? Seriously?

Lestat would kick Edward’s ass or (as Red suggested) make him spontaneously combust with his mind. Then again, Edward’s so pretty, he’d probably just fuck him.

Ok so that last paragraph is there because I enjoy getting a rise out of rabid fangirls. I have to keep reminding myself that ‘those rabid fangirls’ include my classmates and my sister.

The Book
I’m trying to be nice but what follows is akin to kicking someone who had just been hazed and whose kidneys’ are probably already failing. But like I said, I have to get this out of my system.

I hated Bella almost immediately. I find her dull and self-absorbed. She acts like Daria but has shown no indications of being smart enough to actually carry a conversation with Daria. She’s just…emo.

Edward is charming. The End.

There were other characters who had more personality, which is why I can’t understand why the two most flat characters were the main protagonists. Or why the main protagonists were the most flat characters. Despite the endless cheesy lines and metaphors, I found no chemistry between them. And there was this gaping abyss where the plot should’ve been. I guess an actual plot would’ve taken time away from the frolicking.

I do praise whoever recognized the goldmine that is the tweens with the tremendous spending power waiting for the next thing over which to obsess. If anything, this series was well marketed.

The Movie
I watched the movie in the hopes of getting something from it that could tide me over the remaining 470 pages of the book. Most of those who LOVED the book were disappointed with the movie. Those whose opinions I value more said the movie was okay, given the material it had to work with. I think those who were disappointed expected more frolicking.

Again, Edward was charming, a little bipolar and still devoid of a personality. Bella, however, was less annoying. Mostly because I don’t hear her thoughts. And because she was played by Kirsten Stewart who was great in Speak.

I’m still not finished with the book. But reading it with lowered expectations and with the perspective of an 11 year old has made it bearable.