Non Sum Qualis Eram
(I am not who I used to be)
This is my first article for my editorial column in our college publication. It’s also the only piece of writing I’ve ever gotten the guts to publish.
I am posting this for reasons I will reveal in my next entry.
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I’m in the middle of four novels right now, the last one I started two hours prior to writing this first sentence. I can’t tell you what happens in A Hundred Secret Senses, The Bell Jar or A Thousand Splendid Suns – yet. What I can tell you is that in Special Topics in Calamity Physics, Blue Van Meer stood up in the middle of a university lecture and dashed out the exit to write the introduction to her autobiography and the novel itself.
I could only wish that I was as enthused as Blue when I began this piece. While she had a flash of inspiration, my motivation was more out of necessity, akin to forcefully giving birth to something that is two months overdue. My excuse for the ridiculously long delay is simple: I allowed myself to be paralyzed by criticisms yet to exist about a piece I’ve yet to write.
In retrospect, it’s silly, but my mistake is common. Too often we look outside of ourselves and seek in others the validation and permission to do, to say and even to be what we want. Unless we have some devious criminal plans for world domination and the violation of human rights, we shouldn’t. What we need is in us. As Rainier Maria Rilke wrote in his Letters to a Young Poet, “Go into yourself.”
Walking around campus, I see new tarpaulins proclaiming hopeful messages. One in particular resonated with so many of my personal philosophies that I have adopted it as my mantra: “Today, I start the change I want to see.” It is reminiscent of what Gandhi said (“Be the change you want to see in the world.”), save it encourages us to begin the change now. The message dwells in possibility while focusing on the present. I am attracted to the line primarily because it recognizes our power to change things and to begin this transformation by making a decision to take control of the only thing we have real power over: ourselves.
Most of what we are right now is a confluence of past decisions we’ve wittingly or unwittingly made. Some people may not like certain aspects of themselves; some may not like themselves at all. There are bad habits, attitudes and other negative qualities we may want to blame on other people or certain events in the past but truth is they can only influence us. They can evoke emotions from us but without our permission, they can’t make us do or be anything. Even genetics cannot be blamed because we were given the faculties to think before committing to any action.
We are fortunate though, because we don’t have to be trapped by our previous notions of ourselves or who we’ve decided to be in the past. We can always change. And everything we want to be is already within us. Each of us has it in ourselves to be the worst and best human being that ever walked this planet. We just have to choose. We have to decide what we want, and who we want to be.
One’s choices are about the only thing that separates those who are successful from those who are unsuccessful, those who are generally happy from those who are in perpetual misery, and those who often pass evaluations from those who often fail them. Empowerment, happiness, success, and much of everything else is a decision.
If you want to be empowered, then be empowered. If you want to be happy, then be happy. It’s simple, but it isn’t always easy. One has to continually work and make choices in alignment to what one believes one is or what he or she wants to be.
Our decisions are influenced by a lot of things, especially by what we value, whether it’s principles, achievements or just needing to fit in. It is therefore important that we analyze what we value because this is where we will gravitate. We should also make conscious decisions as often as we can to avoid the risk of allowing others to decide for us. We do not live in a void. We influence and are influenced by others. But if we take control of what we allow to impact our lives, we can glean great things from great people. And if we recognize our own power to impact others, we can achieve the “changes we want to see”. By example we could remind and inspire others to be empowered and together we could realize things greater than anything we could have achieved individually.
Amen. I loved reading this.
Hmm, my favorite Rilke quote would have to be:
It is not inertia alone that is responsible for human relationships repeating themselves from case to case, indescribably monotonous and unrenewed: it is shyness before any sort of new, unforeseeable experience with which one does not think oneself able to cope. But only someone who is ready for everything, who excludes nothing, not even the most enigmatical will live the relation to another as something alive.
“If you want to be happy, then be happy. It’s simple, but it isn’t always easy…”
Very true…I admit~
Your post is thought provoking (in a good way) given my situation I guess. o_o~ Thanks for the great word of advice. ^^
By teh way the new layout rocks!~
this piece glimmers with laudable courage. congratulations girl. it would inspire more people than you probably think.
I’m one that is guilty of letting other people influence my choices at times. Being a slave and seeking approval from unworthy people.
I too am changed, and it’s good. Change gives us the opportunity to live anew. Be strong willed, empowered, wiser and free :)
oo nga pala, neat theme (as always).
Hey. Cool layout we have here, Ann! Now I really have to change my blog layout. I’ve been using K2 for months already! LOL.
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It’s in the person’s free will if he or she will take up the challenge to make a difference, whether it’s big or small. If he or she wants change, let him or her be the change.
Nicely written, Ann. Thought-provoking. :)
Fruity> Love your fave quote. I made the mistake of not explaining in the article the context of the quote I used. ^^;
Tapsi> Thanks and welcome. :)
Ami> Sana nga. Salamat :)
Zero> I agree :D
Dan> Thanks. I also agree with what you said. And I’m glad it made someone think. :)
You write so well. I wish I was articulate enough (in terms of writing) to really say what’s going on in my mind and have the right words going on for me.
One’s choices are about the only thing that separates those who are successful from those who are unsuccessful, those who are generally happy from those who are in perpetual misery, and those who often pass evaluations from those who often fail them.
Amen =D
Thank you :)
I had no idea you were a writer. Not saying you aren’t good it’s just not every blogger is a ‘writer’ me for instance. Yeah we have various influences that we take from others. I don’t know which part of me is from myself and which part of me is from someone or something else.
Good article.
I am an accidental one at best. I’m the Arts and Graphics editor.
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Oh no! Now I feel guilty about not writing the stuff that I’m supposed to be writing. Thanks a lot :-P
Am glad to have finally found your site, kabayan! Much thanks for the comments you’ve left at my site! They are very much appreciated! And I kid you not!
And oh! I totally love your site! Coolness!
hmmm, thought provoking piece. looks to me that you’re now taking control of gravity (and not fighting it, as you’ve said).
nice design you have here.
:D
joyfulchicken> lol
Anitokid & Jun> salamat po :D for reading and remembering.
Me, I’m reading Suite Francaise and the Rules of Court. Prelims is on the way but, hell, I can’t live without it.Now really have to forego violin lessons during Sundays. Ha! Too bad.
Excellent read.
I guess only few people can genuinely let what other people say or think affect them. Those of us who do let what others think have to rely on defense mechanisms, Mine is company (insert misery cliche here). It may sound trite but I find a “support group” in people without them even knowing. hehe…
What I like about decisions is, when you do screw up one decision, life almost always makes it possible for you to face that decision again equipped with the wisdom of the previous one.
P.S. I love your blog’s design Ms. Graphic Artist. :D I love how mellow and slightly whimsical it feels.
[…] was a bit surprised to find that I subscribe to the existentialist point of view. For my first article for the school paper, I wrote a summary of my life’s philosophies. I unknowingly wrote an […]